Feeling Lonely Over the Holidays: Single Life
It’s official. The holidays are right around the corner.
Cuffing season is in full swing, holiday rom-coms showcase new or second-chance romances, and upcoming events center around happy couples and families.
If you are in the season of life where you’re either looking for your person, taking a break from the dating scene, or recently divorced - the holidays can feel exhausting, stressful, and isolating. Holiday parties can signal the “need” to have a partner or to have a plus one.
As a dating therapist, one of the most common stressors I chat with my clients about is loneliness and isolation during the holiday season. If you’re noticing that you can relate, let’s explore a little about how you can navigate loneliness/isolation over the next few months.
Loneliness vs. Alone
Loneliness is the difference between how much connection you are receiving in relation to how much you are craving. Loneliness occurs when the amount you want and the amount you are receiving isn’t enough to satisfy your relational needs.
First off, it’s important to clarify that just because a person spends time alone, this does not equate to them being lonely. There are a lot of reasons and circumstances that lead folks to spend the holidays on their own and depending on your life situation/family health, that may be the best option for you.
Much in the same way, you may have found yourself surrounded by people you know on the holidays and yet… you feel more alone than if you had stayed home. With this in mind, loneliness is also defined by your sense of belonging. Do you feel like you are seen or accepted? Do you feel that you are free to make mistakes or have an off day and still be wanted in this space?
Dating, Loneliness, and the Holidays
The first thing to acknowledge is that you are allowed to feel however you are feeling. Oftentimes, we carry scripts or narratives around how the holidays will go depending on our own unique histories. Maybe the holidays were filled with family fighting, perhaps you grew up in a family where there wasn’t enough food or resources to go around. Maybe you had amazing holidays with grandparents or family members who are no longer around. No matter what your holiday history is, we all have certain expectations and templates for what we think might happen, “should happen”, and what we would like to happen.
Let’s start here:
✨ What was the emotional temperature of holidays at home?
✨ Did the holidays feel safe?
✨ Were you noticed during the holidays?
How about now:
✨ Do you show up for yourself around the holiday season?
✨ Do you seek out friends or retreat?
✨ What are you telling yourself “should” or “needs to” happen this holiday season?
Are you struggling with being single this holiday season?
Reach out to an online dating therapist in Los Angeles to get support.
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Ways to address holiday loneliness:
Take a look at your thoughts:
The narratives that we carry are very important. Those “shoulds” create expectations (for ourselves and others), create a sense of how things need to be, and can keep us from truly being present.
If we tell ourselves that we “should” be partnered, “should” be engaged, or “should” have a family, etc… it takes away from where we are and who we are right now. Oftentimes, our society tells us that single should only be a temporary life stage that is fixed by partnership. Guess what? Sometimes partnership is unfulfilling, toxic, or just not the best fit. Both are life stages, but one is not superior to the other. There are many beautiful aspects to being single and there are many beautiful aspects to being in a healthy partnership.
Take a Social Media Break:
Social media can be a beautiful place for connection. Unfortunately, it can also be a place for comparison - especially around the holidays. One thing I like to ask my clients is to take their emotional temperature by noticing how they feel before they open their social media accounts:
✨ What led you to check your account?
Boredom? Interest? Loneliness?
✨ How do you feel while you are on social media?
Interested? Excited? Jealous? Less than?
✨ How do you feel afterward?
Inspired, depressed, exhausted, filled with a case of the “shoulds?”
By taking inventory of your emotions you can better assess whether social media is serving you or negatively impacting you during the holiday season (or any season really). See if you can hit pause, if only for a moment, before logging onto your account to see how it is impacting you.
Make it a Bucket List Moment:
If you have the time off and want to explore your world a little bit, it can be a great time to take yourself on a date. One of the best parts of being single is learning what you like, who you are, and what is important to you. Check out our dating guide if you want some ideas for planning a date-yourself activity.
Volunteer:
If your friends are out of town or not available, research suggests that volunteering can help to alleviate loneliness. See if you can find an organization that you care about (e.g., animal shelter, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Ronald McDonald House, etc…). Volunteering can be a great way to give back while meeting fellow volunteers who share similar values and interests to you.
Struggling with loneliness?
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Plan a Friends-Based Holiday Activity:
I love the idea of Galentines Day with the focus on friendship and love in its many forms. In the same way, a friends-based holiday party or activity with your girls can be the perfect way to celebrate the holiday without having to show up as the fifteenth wheel. Something classic like ice skating, a paint and sip class, or something more nostalgic like bowling or a holiday movie night can be a great way to create a new kind of holiday memory for yourself.
Pick Up A New Hobby:
If you find yourself with free time over the holidays, see if you can either pick up an old hobby or a new one. If there’s something you used to love and just haven’t had time for lately, this can be the perfect time to hop back into it. Or, you can try out something new. If you’re feeling introverted, you could try something like learning to crochet. If you’re wanting to socialize, you can take a class (e.g., dance class, yoga class, pickle ball lessons). If you’re on a tight budget, there are also some great options through meet up groups for meeting people as well.
Wherever you are this holiday - whether you’re on your own or alone in a crowd, I hope you take the time to prioritize your own wellness. The holidays are A LOT even when they go well. The most important thing is that you give yourself the space and time to check in with yourself, assess your needs and boundaries, and move in the direction of who you want to be this holiday and everyday. Most importantly, if you’re struggling, reach out to a therapist to get some extra support. You deserve it!
Start Working with A Dating Therapist in Los Angles, CA
Ready to change the way you approach dating? You can get support in navigating the holiday season with Worth and Wellness Psychology. Get in contact with a caring therapist by following these simple steps:
Fill out our contact form online for a consultation.
Speak with a dating therapist.
Start receiving the support you deserve!
Other Services Offered with Worth and Wellness
Here at Worth and Wellness, we offer a variety of services in addition to dating therapy. These services also include therapy for trauma and anxiety treatment, therapy for women of color, therapy for therapists, and therapy for individuals. If you’re ready to address your internal scripts, take a dive into your attachment patterns, and learn to prioritize your needs, reach out today!
About the Author, Dr. Adrianna Holness, A Dating & Anxiety Therapist in LA & Orange County
Dr. Adrianna Holness, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist at Worth and Wellness Psychology, serving clients online and in person throughout California. She received her Ph.D. in Clinical Health Psychology from Loma Linda University. As a psychologist that specializes in anxiety treatment, she creates a space for healing and wholeness so her clients can focus on addressing the cause of their anxiety. She is trained in many evidence-based trauma treatment approaches, including EMDR.
Disclaimer:
This blog provides general information and discussions about health and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, website, or in any linked materials are not intended and should not be considered, or used as a substitute for, medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog does not constitute the practice of any medical or mental healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment. We cannot diagnose, provide second opinions or make specific treatment recommendations through this blog or website.
