Navigating Anxiety Over the Holidays
That pre-holiday anxiety. We’ve all felt it.
One thing I try to normalize with all of my clients is that the holidays are complex. We’ve all been exposed to the “shoulds” of the holidays. Like… you should be happy, you should be excited, you should be looking forward to extended time with family, or you should find something to be grateful for.
I want you to know that you are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling in relation to the holidays. Whether you’re excited, navigating through loneliness, struggling with boundaries, or facing financial stressors, the holidays can bring up ALL of the emotions.
For many of the folks I work with, stress is a big part of their holiday experience. While this can look different for everyone, I want to share some tips on how to navigate through the stressors of your holiday season. Let’s take a look!
Relational Anxiety
At Worth and Wellness Psychology, one of the biggest areas that I work on with clients is around their relationship with themselves and their relationship with important people in their lives. I like to think of the holidays as the microwave or the pressure cooker events of the year. While it may be hard to navigate family dynamics throughout the year, there are often increased pressures to spend more time with family, to fly home to see family or to open up your home to invite family into your own space. This means that those carefully worded texts, conveniently timed phone calls (where you have an easy out), or short in-person family gatherings are suddenly put to the test. For many of us, increased time in stressful places can lead to more vulnerable parts of ourselves showing up in these spaces. Let’s chat about how some of that Relational Anxiety might present:
Perfectionism
There’s nothing like a stressful family dynamic filled with expectations to bring around perfectionism. In those moments perfectionism may show up with the thought… if only I get________ “right” this year then ________.
🤍 My folks won’t fight.
🤍 I won’t feel lonely.
🤍 My siblings won’t put me down.
🤍 I won’t feel out of place.
What script for perfectionism do you carry?
Perfectionism tells us that if only we get things exactly “right” then we’ll have some control over the negative aspects of how we see ourselves as well as how we think others view us. The trouble is, however, that the other side of that script means that if we don’t do everything perfectly then ______
🤍 I’m to blame.
🤍 I let my family down.
🤍 I didn’t try hard enough.
🤍 I’m a failure.
🤍 I’m not good enough or worthy.
When we don’t think that we are enough, our bodies experience shame. In turn, shame isolates and disconnects us from being able to relate not only to others but also to ourselves.
Tools for Addressing Perfectionism Over the Holiday
Our thoughts are incredibly powerful. Think about this. If you spend all day telling yourself that you are not enough, not lovable, not worthy of having the life and connections that you want - then you will find confirmation of this being true in the friendships that you choose, in the way that you treat yourself, and in the way that you show up. Our words form the actions that carry us out into the world. So let’s start with our thoughts.
First, let’s see if you can check in with yourself.
🤍 How have I been talking to myself today?
🤍 What am I telling myself “has to happen” this holiday?
🤍 What’s on the other side of…. If I’m not perfect, then ________.
Next, see if you can just gently name those thoughts:
🤍 I’m having a perfectionistic thought right now.
🤍 I’m labeling myself as unworthy.
🤍 I’ve created the narrative that if I’m not perfect, then the holidays will be ruined for everyone.
Next Steps - Try to get curious about those perfectionistic thoughts:
🤍 Does this feel familiar?
🤍 When did this fear show up for me?
🤍 Am I completely responsible for how things will turn out? If so… why?
🤍 How much will the holidays be impacted by… my parents, my grandparents, my partner, my siblings, etc….?
One big lie that perfectionism tells us, is that we have more control than anyone else. If we are completely responsible for either making things go well or letting people down, then it takes away from noticing the impact that others have on a given situation.
People Pleasing
So many of the wonderful women I work with struggle with people pleasing. One of the most frustrating parts of the holiday is finding yourself repeating patterns that you otherwise have been able to address at work, with friends, or with your partner.
Our families know how to push our buttons because they are the ones who installed them.
So, let’s chat about some ways that people pleasing might show up as well as ways to overcome people pleasing over the holiday season.
People Pleasing shows up when we minimize our own boundaries and needs in order to ensure that someone else’s boundaries and needs are prioritized.
If you’re not sure yet what your boundaries are, this is the perfect place to start. See if you can reflect on what typically pulls you towards giving up your own needs.
For example: maybe you decided you didn’t feel comfortable talking about politics… and here you are an hour into a conversation you didn’t want to be having with that one weird relative (you know the one 🙄).
🤍 What stopped you from sharing your discomfort? Fear of being made fun of? Making an elderly family member “uncomfortable?” Not wanting to be seen as “difficult?”
🤍 The more we can hone in on what holds us back from stating our needs, the better we can become at setting up healthy boundaries we can honor.
🤍 See if you can get curious about when and why you take a step back from your own needs.
Building Healthy Boundaries
I like to describe boundaries as a schedule. My boundaries tell you what I am available for and what I’m not. My schedule doesn’t say anything about you or even how I feel about you. It simply tells you where I have room and where I don’t.
Oftentimes, people who cross our boundaries may challenge them from the perspective that they are a wall or a shield. I would encourage you to look at them, not as something that keeps you away from others or something that forms barriers, but rather as a way that you can show up as your best self.
Here’s an example:
If you have kids or are around kids, then you know that naps are non-negotiable (at least if you want that little one to function at their best capacity). Naps are the first boundaries (aka schedules) that our parents set up for us. It doesn’t mean that your toddler doesn’t want to see family at a certain time. It doesn’t actually mean anything about anyone else. The nap boundary is simply a way for the toddler to be well-rested and to have their basic needs met.
Going into the holiday season, I encourage my clients to take an inventory of their own boundaries.
🤍 What do you need to feel well rested?
🤍 What do you need to show up at your best capacity?
🤍 What makes you feel safe?
🤍 What makes you feel seen?
If you notice it’s hard to focus on identifying your needs or figuring out how to establish and honor your boundaries, then let’s chat!
Start Working with an Anxiety Counselor in Los Angeles, CA
Holiday anxiety can be hard to navigate. You don’t have to do it alone, Reach out to an anxiety therapist today. Follow these steps to get started with Worth and Wellness Psychology:
Fill out our contact form online for a consultation.
Speak with our experienced therapist.
Begin making the most of the holidays!
About the Author, Dr. Adrianna Holness, An Anxiety Therapist in LA & Orange County
Dr. Adrianna Holness, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist at Worth and Wellness Psychology, serving clients online and in person throughout California. She received her Ph.D. in Clinical Health Psychology from Loma Linda University. As a psychologist that specializes in anxiety treatment, she creates a space for healing and wholeness so her clients can focus on addressing the cause of their anxiety. She is trained in many evidence-based trauma treatment approaches, including EMDR.
Other Services Offered with Worth and Wellness
Worth and Wellness is happy to offer a variety of services in support of your mental health in addition to anxiety therapy. Other services offered include EMDR therapy, trauma therapy, and therapy for therapists. We also provide online therapy, therapy for women of color, and therapy for individuals. Visit us today or our blog today to start your journey to a better life!
Disclaimer:
This blog provides general information and discussions about health and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, website, or in any linked materials are not intended and should not be considered, or used as a substitute for, medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog does not constitute the practice of any medical or mental healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment. We cannot diagnose, provide second opinions or make specific treatment recommendations through this blog or website.
