Dating with an Anxious Attachment Style
If you have an anxious attachment style, then you likely know that dating can feel like an absolute roller coaster. The tricky part… is that the roller coaster ride can start to feel not only familiar but also enjoyable.
The push-pull dynamic can feel both comfortable (in that it feels like your early family dynamics) and also incredibly frustrating.
Somewhere in this dynamic, it begins to impact your sense of self-worth and the way that you view yourself in relationships. So let’s talk about how to date confidently while navigating an anxious attachment style.
Are you ready to date with intention?
At Worth and Wellness Psychology, Therapy for Dating can help you learn to seek out and nurture secure/healthy relationships.
As a dating therapist, I absolutely love working with women who have an anxious attachment style.
While it can feel frustrating or like you never find the “right” person, there are so many beautiful qualities to individuals with an anxious attachment style. One thing I love is that there is a dedication to change and really wanting to shift anxiety in order to live the life that you want. So instead of thinking of an anxious attachment style as something to get rid of (because we can’t)… let’s look at it as something that we can build into a strength. How? An anxious attachment style can become your superpower if:
1). You are aware of how it impacts you and your dating/relationships.
2). You’re actively working through your anxious thought patterns and know how to self-soothe.
3). You aren’t attempting to control your partner to soothe your inner anxiety.
Therapy for dating can help you learn to address your 1) needs, 2) values, 3) communication when you’re feeling distressed, and 4) help you to self-soothe rather than leaning on your partner to do this for you.
Tired of repeating dating patterns?
Therapy for Dating can help you learn more about why these patterns happen so you can create the beautiful relationships you deserve.
Anxious Attachment Styles and Boundaries
If you have an anxious attachment, then boundaries might be pretty hard. As an attachment-based therapist, so many of the wonderful women I work with are assertive go-getters who don’t take sh*t from anyone at work or in their personal lives. When it comes to dating and romantic relationships, however, they find that they show up almost as a completely different person. The main reason for this is that (like all humans), you want to be loved. And the anxiety that comes with your attachment can make it pretty hard to feel lovable, understood, or wanted. And (hard swallow) - sometimes it feels better to let someone walk over you than to be alone.
If you keep finding yourself in relationships where you feel walked over, invisible, or under-prioritized - then it’s important to take a look at your boundaries. Do you know what they are? Do you know how to share them? What are you telling yourself will happen if you do share them with a partner?
Because I’m going to tell you a hard truth - boundaries are intended to keep people in our lives ONLY if they are willing to respect us.
Anxious Attachment Styles & Control
So this is a hard one. Those anxious thoughts can really make it feel like you’re out of control when:
Your partner showed up later than expected.
You haven’t heard back from a text you sent two hours ago.
They expressed they don’t like something and you’re worried it’s the end of the relationship.
That anxiety can feel all-encompassing, overwhelming, and completely out of your control. Oftentimes, this can lead you to attempt to regain control by needing to know:
Where your partner is
Who they’ve been spending time with
Who they’re texting
Who they’re following on social media
We tell ourselves that if we know these things, that we have control and that we’re safe. We want to know that we are cared for and that we won’t be left or abandoned. The problem, however, is that these same behaviors that feel like we’re pulling our partners closer in connection - feel like we’re constricting, controlling, and not valuing their independence. In the end, these same safety behaviors are often what drive our partners away.
In therapy for dating, we can work together to help you learn new ways of connecting with your partner that feel meaningful and enriching for both of you If you’re ready to exchange control with intimacy and vulnerability, reach out today. I’m looking forward to meeting you!
You are so deserving of a safe and beautiful relationship!
Reach out today to learn more!
Anxious Attachment Styles & Communication
Remember how I said those women I work with can rock it in the boardroom, with their friends, and in their hobbies? Those relationships take communication - healthy, direct communication.
Those same women struggle, however, to directly communicate with their partners or the person they’re dating, because 1) they haven’t shared their needs, 2) they feel “too much” or 3) “not good enough” and 4) they don’t want to rock the boat.
The end result… typically it shows up in passive-aggressive communication or the belief that their partner “should just know” what they’re thinking, feeling, and needing.
As a dating therapist, some of the most beautiful work my clients do - is learning how to take their day-day communication skills, and confidently apply that to their dating and romantic partnerships.
You have the skills. It’s about diving into why those older ways of communicating (e.g., think toddler - teenage years) show up when you’re genuinely just so excited about finding your person.
Start Addressing Relationship Anxiety in Los Angeles, CA
If you know that your communication is standing in the way of creating the big beautiful relationship you deserve, let’s work together! You deserve support with navigating different attachment styles so you can make the most of your relationship. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
Fill out our contact form online for a consultation.
Speak with an experienced anxiety therapist
Start deepening your relationship!
Other Services Offered with Worth and Wellness Psychology
Here at Worth and Wellness, we offer a variety of services in addition to anxiety treatment. These services also include therapy for dating, trauma therapy, and therapy for women of color, therapy for therapists, and therapy for individuals. If you’re ready to address your internal scripts, take a dive into your attachment patterns, and learn to prioritize your needs, reach out today!
About the Author, Dr. Adrianna Holness, A Dating Therapist in LA & Orange County
Dr. Adrianna Holness, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist at Worth and Wellness Psychology, serving clients online and in person throughout California. She received her Ph.D. in Clinical Health Psychology from Loma Linda University. As a psychologist that specializes in anxiety treatment, she creates a space for healing and wholeness so her clients can focus on addressing the cause of their anxiety. She is trained in many evidence-based trauma treatment approaches, including EMDR.
Disclaimer:
This blog provides general information and discussions about health and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, website, or in any linked materials are not intended and should not be considered, or used as a substitute for, medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog does not constitute the practice of any medical or mental healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment. We cannot diagnose, provide second opinions or make specific treatment recommendations through this blog or website.
