Supporting a Friend Who Experienced a Birth Trauma
One of the most beautiful aspects of therapy is the opportunity to learn who you are and how you show up both for yourself as well as for others within relationships. If you’ve ever become a parent or watched a friend become a parent, then you likely know someone who has experienced a birth trauma or you may have experienced a traumatic birth yourself. Within the United States, up to 45% of new moms report having a traumatic birth.
As a therapist, I have the privilege of working with wonderful women who want to improve themselves and want to create friendships that reflect how much they value others. As a birth trauma therapist, I often hear questions like:
How do I support a friend going through a tough time?
What do I say when someone has experienced loss?
What if I say or do the wrong thing?
If you are hoping to support a friend or family member who has experienced a birth trauma, I hope this serves as a space for you to learn, explore, and walk away with tangible steps on how you can best honor your friendship.
Verbalize Your Emotions - Not Your Interpretations.
Oftentimes, our minds search for meaning to make sense out of chaos, confusion, or heartbreak. The first thing to note - is that this is completely normal. Our minds are hard-wired to focus on making sense of things and coming up with explanations and solutions. It is also totally okay if you wonder what happened, if you try to interpret the birth trauma, or if you have questions.
At the same time - when we are hurting, lost, or confused, our minds are not attuned to logical or analytic approaches. When we are feeling big emotions, our minds respond to emotions. So we have to learn a new way of relating to others when big emotions are involved. Let’s walk through some examples.
Check in with yourself to see if you’ve shared these before… or if you’re pulled towards sharing those with a friend now:
Words without Emotion…
Everything happens for a reason.
Time heals all wounds.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
This must be part of God’s plan.
They’re in a better place.
It could have been so much worse.
God only takes the best ones.
Do you think it’s because you… (got that epidural, used a birthing center, etc…)?
Just be strong. Keep your head up. Just keep going.
Some of the best meaning folks I’ve met have made statements like the ones listed above. The problem with these types of responses, is that they invalidate your friend’s emotional experience. These statements skip right over how your friend is feeling and what they need. When we’re hurting, we don’t need interpretations or to be soothed with “comforting” words. We need to be able to feel what we are feeling and we need for others to sit with us in that space. Let’s explore some ways to create that space for your friend:
Emotion Centered Language:
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
This is so difficult.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
I love you and I’m right here.
Where can I be helpful?
That must have been so… scary, overwhelming, etc…
I know you’re going through a lot.
You’ve experienced so much.
When you can truly tune into your friend’s emotions without trying to change, distract, or minimize their emotional experience, you allow them the room to truly process everything that they are going through.
Want to learn more about birth trauma?
Reach out today to speak with an online birth trauma therapist.
Taking Action
Every new mom can use some extra help and that help will differ based on their own unique needs. Let’s look at some areas where you could be helpful! Asking where you can be helpful or provide extra support is often the best place to start, so make sure to check-in with that new mama about what could be helpful following a birth trauma. Another quick tip is to be the one to reach out. While it might sound polite to say, “you give me a call or text me” a birth trauma can be incredibly draining and it can be hard for postpartum mamas to be expected to reach out to you first.
On that same note, when you offer to drop off a meal, let the new mama to respond only if she has an issue with what you’re asking to save her time. If you know her well, then plan to make something that you know she would eat and if you need some help, you can always reach out to some of her other friends for ideas (and to make sure you’re not cooking something they recently dropped off.
I’m making a tortilla casserole and can drop it by at 6:00pm.
I’m shopping for a meal drop off. Would you prefer lasagna or a stir fry? I’ll be there at 6:00pm.
Visiting
In those first few weeks, only go over for an invite if the new mama has indicated that she would like company. Life after a birth trauma can be chaotic and having to host a friend can feel completely overwhelming. If she hasn’t indicated she would like company, simply drop off the food, gift, etc… and text her to know it is outside her home.
When your friend is ready for a visitor, keep in mind that her life is busy and based around what is practical. So while you might love getting dressed to the nines, try to keep things casual. You can help create a space where she feels less self-conscious about those sleep-deprived eyes if you show up with this in mind.
Gifts
While shopping for a new mom and her baby can be fun, a sweet gift may not be what is most helpful for her right now. The best way to be supportive is to let her guide you. Try something like this: “Hi, how are you feeling? I was just thinking about you and wanted to gift you either a cleaning service, a food gift card, a home cooked meal, or some soft postpartum pjs. You tell me what feels the most comforting or helpful for you right now. Looking forward to providing some support!”
Sometimes new mamas might ask for the gift of time. She might appreciate you…
Playing with her older kids while she puts down her new baby for a nap.
Having some company to give her some time with another adult.
Someone to call when she wants to share about the day’s stressors.
Thanks for reading an LA trauma therapist’s tips on supporting a friend after a birth trauma.
You can receive therapy for birth trauma in Irvine, CA Today!
Learn more about how therapy for birth trauma can help you in addressing the challenges that you experience. You can follow the steps below to get started at Worth and Wellness Psychology and get in contact with a caring therapist:
Fill out our contact form online for a consultation.
Speak with an experienced birth trauma therapist.
Start receiving the support you deserve!
Other Services Offered with Worth and Wellness Psychology
Here at Worth and Wellness, we offer a variety of services in addition to trauma therapy. These services also include therapy for dating and anxiety treatment, therapy for women of color, therapy for therapists, and therapy for individuals. If you’re ready to address your internal scripts, take a dive into your attachment patterns, and learn to prioritize your needs, reach out today!
