Dating and Anxiety

Dating can be complex.

Maybe you’re ready to date after a long hiatus. Maybe you’ve been in what feels like an endless cycle of dating where you never meet the right person or feel fulfilled. Maybe you long for a partner, but are too afraid to put yourself out there.

We tend to date at our own level of self-love and self-trust.

The narratives or scripts that we carry with us around dating can impact the way that we show up in our relationships. When those narratives tell us that we aren’t good enough, don’t measure up, or are undeserving of being treated well, we often find ourselves in relationships that reflect those beliefs. When we feel worthy, self-confident, and open - we are better able to engage in meaningful ways with people who treat us with respect, and honesty.

Dating can also be fun, beautiful, and healing.

You are worthy of being seen. You are worthy of being heard, cherished, and celebrated. No matter your dating history, you can change the way that you show up by learning more about your attachment style and learning to identify your needs. You can also confidently state those needs, and increase your self-love and self-trust. If you feel ready to learn more about your own patterns, needs, and values, therapy for dating can help!

Exploring Your Needs:

As a therapist for women with dating anxiety, I love helping clients explore their needs. Let’s do a quick dive into your needs profile and why it matters in your dating and relationships.

What are your needs? It might sound simple, but let’s sit for a moment with what you need in relationships. Oftentimes, the women I work with share that they don’t fully know their own needs and that what they want is based on the needs of the person they’re dating. In fact, many of the wonderful, and brave women I work with are amazing at looking out for their partner’s needs and desires while not sharing any of their own.

As a relationship and attachment therapist, I love helping empower women to identify and ask for their needs to be met. So often, my clients share that they are worried that they will be viewed as too needy. My response…. You are only as needy as your unmet needs.

Let’s take a look at those needs.

If you’re not sure what your needs are, see if you can use these areas as a starting place. Check-in with yourself to see how you feel, notice if these are needs you have but ignore, and also please feel free to add to the list.

When you’re starting to talk to a new person, how do they make you feel? These dynamics are set up even before you’ve ever met them in person. These early interactions create the template for what is okay and not okay and how they are learning you want to be treated. As a therapist for women, I am a proud advocate of starting off dating in a way that is respectful of your time, safety, and connection.

Time Needs: Your time is important. Whether or not you are used to saying it’s okay or don’t worry about it, your time is valuable. Not sure? If someone can show up to work on time each day, they can respect your time as well.

Do you feel like you’re on their mind or that they only contact you when they want something?

Do they only hit you up late at night?

Do they arrive to the date on time?

Safety Needs: As women, we’re often socialized to not appear rude, demanding, or needy. The most important thing for you to take into your dating life is that your safety is non-negotiable. While your safety needs may look different than other people, you are allowed to establish healthy boundaries around your safety and well-being. Want an example?

Let’s say that you’ve been talking to someone for a couple of days and they invite you out to late night drinks after work. You would feel safest meeting for coffee or lunch. And yet, you want to say yes so you don’t disappoint them, upset them, appear “rude”, or miss out on finding your person.

Guess what? Someone who truly wants to get to know you will just be excited to get to spend time with you and can be flexible about when and where you meet.

Also, your person is someone who will not only respect your boundaries, but also advocate for them.

Ready to break your dating and relationship patterns?

Reach out to get started on your journey of self-love and self-trust!

Connection Needs:

Part of dating and any relationship is learning what we need to feel seen, heard, and valued. The templates that we learn during our early childhood often teach us what we are worthy of. For some, this meant that they were only noticed when they were making big accomplishments (e.g., getting straight As, star of the track team, etc….). For others, this meant being “the easy child” - the one who didn’t complain, didn’t ask for much, and didn’t show their emotions. Those scripts around our worth are like a menu that we take with us into every new interaction.

Unfortunately, a lot of modern dating advice can worsen these early attachment wounds by telling us that we need to act a certain way in order to be loved.

Have you ever heard or even subscribed to some of these “rules”….

Don’t text first after the first date.

Don’t say yes to same day plans.

Don’t show them your quirky side.

Don’t let them know you’re into them.

Don’t have any needs or they’ll think that you’re needy.

Don’t appear more excited than they are.

These rules shift how you show up in the dating space. When you have a list of don’ts, ways that you shouldn’t be yourself, things you shouldn’t notice, or how to advocate for your needs, this can lead you to show up as a less authentic version of yourself.

Start Dating Therapy in California Today!

When you learn what you deserve, how you want to show up, and practice being both vulnerable and brave, dating can be fun, empowering, and validating. Here at Worth and Wellness, we specialize in therapy for dating and anxiety treatment as well as other services such as therapy for women of color, therapy for therapists, and therapy for individuals. We also focus on EMDR therapy, and trauma therapy at our California-based practice. If you’re ready to address your internal scripts, take a dive into your attachment patterns, and learn to prioritize your needs, reach out today!