Healthy Boundaries for Highly Sensitive People
When you’re sensitive to the needs of others, it can be hard to prioritize your own well-being. Do you struggle to advocate for your own needs? Do you find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no? Do you notice resentment and burnout building?
Highly Sensitive People frequently struggle with boundaries. The ability to know and respond to the needs of others can often lead HSPs to default to putting others first. The HSPs I work with often share that a simple “no” can lead to guilt and worry that they’ve ruined a friendship, let a partner down, or inconvenienced others.
What are Boundaries?
Oftentimes when I first present boundaries in sessions, my highly sensitive clients worry that they’re going to learn how to be rude or selfish. I like to share that boundaries are simply the way that we teach others how we like and deserve to be treated. Boundaries don’t take anything away from the other person. They allow them to learn who you are, what matters to you, and what makes you feel safe and seen.
Let’s explore a little bit more about boundaries! There are four main types of boundaries: 1) Non-existent Boundaries, 2) Porous boundaries, 3) Rigid boundaries, and 4) Healthy Boundaries.
What type of boundaries do you have?
Non-Existent Boundaries:
People with non-existent boundaries are unable to identify their own needs and can easily be manipulated into meeting the demands of others. If you have non-existent boundaries, you may notice that you quickly get into and out of relationships, aim to people please at the expense of your own needs, overshare your personal information, act impulsively, and struggle to tell others no.
Porous Boundaries:
Highly Sensitive People tend to have porous boundaries. Even when you know what you want and need, you are motivated to put others first because you don’t want to create any harm or discomfort for the other person. You may find yourself telling someone no and then change your mind when you perceive that they are disappointed or upset.
You’ve had a long day at work and your friend wants to go out to a crowded restaurant for dinner. You know that your own need is to have them over and order in your favorite takeout for a quiet evening. When you can see that they feel let down, you default to going to the restaurant anyways. You end up getting home late, don’t get enough sleep because you feel overstimulated, and wind up feeling exhausted the next day.
Rigid Boundaries:
People with rigid boundaries tend to be inflexible in relationships. You may notice that you don’t let others see your emotions and you don’t ask for help when you need it. You may also find that you’re not willing to do these things for others. It may hard to be open within intimate relationships and you might come off as detached from others, almost as if there is a wall built around you.
What Types of Boundaries Are There?
There are a lot of different domains for establishing boundaries and building this skill will take intention and time. Let’s explore a few of them!
Time Boundaries: Highly Sensitive People need time to recharge. There are a lot of demands throughout the day (e.g., work, family, kids, friends, finances, meal prep, etc…) that take up space. In order to have the time to prioritize your need to recharge, it’s very important to be intentional in not only 1) carving it out and scheduling it, but also 2) protecting the time by telling others that you have reserved this time for yourself.
Resource Boundaries: Do you struggle to say no or set boundaries at work in order to protect your own resources? Many HSPs share that they overwork and experience burnout. At times, this might involve giving away more work value than you are compensated for. This can also show up in friendships and with family where you help out with resources at the risk of your own financial well being.
Emotional Boundaries: One of the most beautiful aspects of being a Highly Sensitive Person is that you are uniquely attuned to the emotional needs of others. This is why many HSPs can be found working in helping and healing fields (e.g., nurses, occupational therapists, mental health counselors, etc…). Do you prioritize others’ emotions over your own both at work and within your own relationships?
You’re traveling for a long wedding weekend and you know you need your own space so you can recharge. A close friend wants to save money and asks if they can split the cost and share a room with you. Your needs tell you that you truly value and would benefit from having your own space. Their needs are in direct opposition to your own ability to manage stress. And yet, it’s very hard to say no and you may find yourself sharing that room and feeling overwhelmed for the whole weekend. What held you back from saying no or sharing with them more about what you were feeling?
Building Healthy Boundaries as a Highly Sensitive Person
With healthy boundaries, Highly Sensitive People can learn to create a more balanced give and take in comparison to the porous boundary of give and give. A large part of this work will be identifying your values with your HSP therapist and learning more about the steps you can take to assertively share your needs with others.
How to Set Up Healthy Boundaries.
Learn to Notice Your Own Needs:
For Highly Sensitive People, it can be easy to turn the dial down so low on your own needs - that you can’t even hear them. See if you can check in with your body and listen to what it’s telling you. Our bodies can often tell us that our boundaries are being crossed before our minds can pick that up.
Is your stomach clenched and telling you anxiety is showing up?
What signals does your body send you when you feel unsafe or uneasy?
What does it feel like to push down your own needs?
How does your body feel when you have time to yourself?
How does your body feel when you feel rushed for time?
If this feels like a new skill, a therapist for HSPs can help you learn begin connecting somatically with your body.
Observe Your Environment with Curiosity:
You are your own best navigation system and learning which environments bring calm and which bring overwhelm will help you better learn where to establish boundaries. When you think of the people in your life, see if you can observe who adds to your cup and who depletes your cup. Are there certain people in your world who demand more of you (e.g., time, resources, emotions)?
You can also start to observe if certain places or events give or take from you. Not everyone has to be adventurous, love going to loud concerts, or enjoy staying up late. Your needs can look different from those around you. Once you can tune into the impact of your environment, you can work with your therapist on how to have those hard conversations.
Notice How You are Influenced:
Who do you struggle to say no to? This can be different for every HSP and it’s important to learn more about what pulls you away from being the protagonist of your own story and turns you into the backup/sidekick of someone else’s. You may notice you can hold boundaries with close friends, but romantic relationships lead you to bend your boundaries. Or perhaps you’re great upholding your boundaries with your coworkers or employees but there’s that one friend that you just can’t say no to. Learning more about your own patterns can help you learn how to better navigate overwhelming situations or those that ultimately lead you to feel resentful or to experience burnout.
Practice Saying No:
I know! This is a hard one. Therapy for Highly Sensitive People is the perfect place to begin practicing this skill. The first step to increasing your confidence in turning down things that don’t align with your values and needs is to learn more about your internal script.
What does it mean to say no?
What would it mean about you if you said no?
How do you tell yourself people will see you?
How do you feel about other people who tell you no?
Reach out to learn more about your internal script and how to prioritize your needs while maintaining healthy relationships!
Your Rights as a Highly Sensitive Person
You have the right to:
Need things from others
Put yourself first sometimes
Say no and not feel guilty
Your experience - even if it’s different from other people.
Feel and express your emotions
Change your mind
Be treated with respect
Say no and not feel guilty
Not be manipulated by others
Your own opinions and beliefs
Ask for help, support, or anything else you need
Do less than you are humanly capable of giving
Ask for information
Make mistakes
Feel good about yourself and your beautiful HSP traits!
Start Therapy for HSPs in Los Angeles, CA
Do you think you could benefit from therapy for the Highly Sensitive Person? If so then Worth and Wellness is here to help you! In order to chat about starting Therapy for Highly Sensitive People, please follow these steps:
Schedule a free 30-minute consultation.
Make your first appointment with an HSP therapist
See for yourself how beneficial EMDR can be for your mental health
Other Counseling Services I Offer in Newport Beach, CA
At Worth and Wellness Psychology, I offer in-person and online therapy. This includes individual therapy for relationship issues, dating, and anxiety. In addition to therapy for therapists and women of color. Reach out to talk about how I can support you.
About the Author, An HSP, Anxiety & Trauma Therapist in LA and Orange County
Dr. Adrianna Holness, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist at Worth and Wellness Psychology, serving clients online and in-person throughout California. She received her Ph.D. in Clinical Health Psychology from Loma Linda University. As a trauma and PTSD psychologist, she specializes in creating space for healing and wholeness as clients take on the brave and beautiful work of addressing life’s hardest moments. She is trained in many evidence-based trauma treatment approaches, including EMDR. She also works with clients in the spaces where trauma intersects with your self-confidence, relationships, dating, anxiety, and identity.
Disclaimer:
This blog provides general information and discussions about health and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, website, or in any linked materials are not intended and should not be considered, or used as a substitute for, medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog does not constitute the practice of any medical or mental healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment. We cannot diagnose, provide second opinions or make specific treatment recommendations through this blog or website.
